After Escapade 2004, I guess I should make a few comments here regarding my songvid, "What have I done?".

For anyone interested, it can be found here in DivX 5.11 format (~ 59 MB). It is a Hornblower vid set to a song called "What have I done?" sung by Bloodgood (whose site can be found at http://www.bloodgoodband.com).

The main points raised during the songvid show at Escapade agreed on two things:

a) song choice: bad.
b) repetition: bad.

Perhaps I should say first that I made that songvid primarily for one person -- me. And how I felt about Hornblower at that time; hell, how I still feel about Hornblower, so even if everyone in the whole world hated it (nika_d soon did, didn't you, honey? <eg>), that wouldn't crush me terribly. Not that I'm not thrilled by each and any kind comment made in regard to it.

***

As for the song choice, that was the hardest thing of this whole exercise. I knew months before mamoru and I started the whole project what I wanted the vid to express, but I was stuck -- I couldn't find a song with the message I had in mind. I searched the 'net, I dug through my CD collection, I went begging to friends... nothing.

When I finally found a song that seemed fitting, it was, surprisingly, one by a band I'd fallen in love with perhaps four, five years ago: Bloodgood. Anyone who's already clicked on the link above should be now have found out that Bloodgood is a Christian band that played White Metal and was most successful in 1987 during their "Detonation" tour. Unfortunately, Bloodgood broke up in 1994, but they reunited in early 2002 and I won't give up the hope that there'll be new albums and/or a new tour one day.

And yes, it is possible to like Christian music and read/write slash.

Bloodgood's song "What have I done?" has the following lyrics:

WHAT HAVE I DONE?
(Michael Bloodgood & David Zaffiro)

My heart is breaking as I walk alone
My spirit's aching out here on my own
Following a dream too good to be true
Is there any hope, tell me what can I do?

My tears are burning, living in despair
I turn my head to God, is He really there
Looking for answers, nowhere else to turn
All those years for nothing, did I ever learn?

What have I done?
What have I done?
I turned my back on You
The only one
The only one who ever loved me

My life's a ruin, I labored in vain
All I feel is sorrow, spend my days in shame
Words come to haunt me, visions in my head
Wishing I was someone else, wishing I was dead

What have I done?
What have I done?
I turned my back on You
The only one
The only one who ever loved me

How can I deny it
Now I'm all alone, all alone

What have I done?
What have I done?
I turned my back on You
The only one
The only one who ever loved me

And yes, if you know that much of the background, it is obvious that the song deals with the despair you feel when you turn your back on God and His love. I'm sure my brother (who is an active Christian) would be horrified to learn how I've used this song.

Still, the lyrics screamed "Hornblower!" to me, depicted clearly the despair the Hornblower in my head feels when, one day in the future, he allows himself to remember the few true friends he had... all of whom, one way or another, died for him or in his place.

Clayton, who knew Hornblower would lose against the experienced duellist Simpson, and therefore decided to take his place and die in his stead.
Archie Kennedy, who sacrificed his life and good name to ensure his best friend wouldn't be the scapegoat in the trial of the surviving officers of Renown.
William Bush, who lost his leg under Hornblower's command, and later his life, and who didn't get even part of the recognition he would have deserved.

Hornblower, in C.S. Forester's books, is a man incessantly eaten up by guilt. Incomprehensibly, the death of his best friends (possibly lovers) does not seem to shatter him as much as one would expect. Of course, one can attribute that to the difference between the books and the movies, but nonetheless: This Hornblower gets over Archie's death far too quickly, and Clayton was forgotten even sooner. And Bush -- where is Hornblower's regret concerning his poor treatment of his only remaining friend in "Duty"? Hornblower is getting closer and closer to C.S. Forester's character; a man who constantly puts down his second-in-command, mocks silently his intelligence, competence and loyalty.

I have written two short stories dealing with my incomprehension of Hornblower's actions, but I still cannot resolve it all in my head. I think Hornblower is trying very hard to deny his feelings for Bush, is trying to ignore that he has any feelings at all. But one day, he will have to face them, and then the pain will swallow him whole. Thus -- this songvid.

Guilt. Hope of redemption. Love. Despair. Regret.

It couldn't be better expressed than by a Christian song.

During the Escapade vid show, "What have I done?" was equated with Rock and seen as a Heavy Metal ballad, and that made me scream internally; the comparison couldn't be more off.

Yes, it is an anachronism to fit footage of 1790-1805 with a song from 1988, but then -- what wouldn't be? Should I have looked for a sailor shanty from the 18th century? I bet no one would have wanted to hear that, and the lyrics wouldn't have been fitting anyway. Classical music? Opera? The mere thought makes me shudder.

No, for me the song choice is fitting.

***

The repetition was also a thing I insisted upon; mamoru and xkatjafx tried to convince me to drop it, but I didn't want to.

I wanted that parallelism in introducing the three men who were in love with Hornblower and died because of it. If you watch the songvid carefully, you'll see that each of the three segments is structured the same way:

- Hornblower screams out
- his friend is mortally wounded
- Hornblower betrays him by turning his back on him
- the friend dies
- black
- one perfect memory of Hornblower's friend
- black.

I know that many people did not get this, but believe me, my choosing of the scenes in question was not random or without a plan.

And no, as far as I recall (and I refuse to check my SVCDs for it -- I have watched them way too many times as it is), the sequence of Hornblower screaming out was not when Archie was wounded, but rather in the first movie when Hornblower first gave the order to "Fire!". Yes, perhaps the "talkie face" is irritating, but for once, his face expressed emotions, not just the rigid immobility he's so well known for.

***

So, to make a long story short: I don't regret my two choices.

I would have wanted to have a better vid quality (I still wonder how Destina, shalott, Morgan Dawn etc. managed -- theirs were DVD-quality sharp!), and more "special effects" like dissolves etc., but as both mamoru and I are still in the beginning of figuring out how all of Adobe Premiere works, I'm not too dejected over it. Premiere died on us several times and refused to show the clips in sequence, so I believe we did the best we could without experienced help.

I also hope I'll be able to find enough strength, time and courage to, one day, perhaps make a... a "Magnificent 7", or "Battlestar Galactica", or "Miracles" songvid.

We'll see.

mamoru, you'd better start running now. <eg>